Living a Humanist Life

Additional and Related Principles

(1) Be generous, sharing, kind and helpful, but beware of letting others exploit you such that your own well-being and the well-being of others are damaged.

It is good to be helpful, kind and giving, with core principles requiring us to support the well-being and happiness of both ourselves and others, this well-being being supported by our kind, caring, generous and helpful actions. Indeed we are required to, and moreover it is part of ourselves, part of our human character, to wish to be kind to and help others. Thus, there is every justification to act in helpful, kind, sharing and giving ways, consistent with core principles to support the well-being and happiness of others and of ourselves. Those in need and pain, and indeed those without such need and without such pain, will benefit from our generosity, care and kindness. Our kindness and generosity can support the immediate wants and needs of others as well as supporting initiatives into the future that may benefit many. Kind and helpful deeds can make others as well as ourselves feel good. We can and should try to be generous with our resources, our money, our time and attention and much more. We need to be prepared to be kind both through our broad actions in support of others, our communities, societies and beyond, but also through small and if possible frequent acts of kindness and care towards others.

Nevertheless there may be some who try to take advantage of our natural human desire and individual inclination to be kind and generous to others. Such advantage-taking actions are reprehensible and contrary to core and other principles. Through taking such advantage of others, those who engage in such actions will not only likely risk damaging the sense of self-efficacy, the personal sense of self-esteem and self-worth of those others of us who have been kind, generous and giving, but their actions run the risk of serving to create cynicism amongst those who are generous and giving, undermining our want and desire to give and help out. And as a consequence, this risks undermining and possibly preventing those who are truly deserving and needy from receiving help. Of course, we should not be put off from being kind and generous because of the actions of some who are prepared to act dishonestly, without integrity, who would take advantage of us. However, it is important that, while being supportive and giving we keep our eyes open for those who may wish to exploit us, such that we can prevent their damaging and destructive actions and the consequences of their actions which will cause us and others hurt, pain and suffering.

(2) Pursue cooperation with others both actively and proactively.

As far as is reasonable and possible, we need to cooperate and work effectively with others, and do this on an everyday basis, acting proactively at the outset of our efforts to achieve goals, doing so as a core element of our daily lives. A major part of our strength as human beings, human communities and societies, as a humanity, lies in our social nature and our ability to act together. Yet, the search for cooperation should not await the arrival of specific goals to achieve, disputes and conflicts to resolve. Acting cooperatively in an effective manner means being proactive in gaining cooperation. It means acknowledging others, interacting in a positive manner with others, engaging in give and take, compromise, respecting ourselves but also the expertise, experience and knowledge of others, though not necessarily agreeing. While some level of cooperation is almost always necessary to achieve, there may be occasions where cooperation is

not possible with some or many, and a more solitary path may need to be taken, at least temporarily, optimally taken without creating or exacerbating hostility or causing or enhancing the alienation of ourselves or others.

(3) Accept that mistakes will be made and some things will go wrong in your efforts to achieve worthwhile goals.

Our making of mistakes and errors represents an important part of learning, personal development and improvement, having value when used properly, not only for ourselves but for our communities and societies. If we are not prepared to make mistakes and sometimes live with their consequences we will not be likely to live a full life of well-being. We cannot get things right all or perhaps even most of the time. Mistakes and errors comprise an inevitable part of our humanity and human living that renders us substantially imperfect. We should avoid inertia and not be afraid of mistakes or let the possibility of error hinder us from taking actions we judge to be correct. Of course some mistakes can have significant and unpleasant consequences for ourselves and others and, of course we should aim to avoid such mistakes and errors.

We need also to accept charitably the mistakes of others, encouraging and supporting them in their own learning and development and certainly avoiding imposing pain on others through derision and mockery. Our own personal openness and admission of errors is frequently of great value in helping us establish better strategies and actions, and in order to discover truth. In regard to moral errors that are contrary to core principles and harm others, admissions of such moral errors, misjudgment and fault needs to be genuine, sincere and accompanied by credible resolution and credible commitment not to repeat such errors of conduct and behaviour, if we are to be ready to forgive and move on. This does not mean heinous actions can be ignored or that culpability and responsibility is removed. Nevertheless sincere admission and acknowledgement of error is an important step forward to supporting the well-being of all.

(4) Explore and be open-minded.

Encountering new ideas, challenging our own thinking, listening to others and being willing to change our opinions and ideas, can all support our own well-being and the well-being of others. We need to actively and positively seek out the new, gaining new experiences, seeking out new adventures, exploring the world, not only in terms of exploring ideas but both physically and mentally, through searching for and experiencing what the world around us, both locally and further afield, has to offer in terms of, amongst other things, knowledge, understanding, adventure, ideas, people, geography, culture and cultures. We need to experiment with doing the new and different in order that we learn and develop. While our own personal experience of life will always be, to some extent limited, even if it is informed by the many experiences of others, nevertheless, while operating within the framework of core principles, our own well-being and the well-being of others is most likely to be supported through our experimentation, exploration and our encounters and experiences with the new.

(5) Master communication.

However much we wish to support others and their well-being; however much we wish to help others to avoid unnecessary pain and suffering, indeed however able we feel we are or may be in terms of our more individual attributes, abilities and skills, however brilliant our ideas, however much knowledge and understanding we have, all of this will be of much greater use to us and others if we can communicate effectively with others and cooperate well with these others. We live with others in communities and societies, indeed within a broader global humanity in which effective communication is essential to support cooperation and promote our own well-being and the well-being of others. Thus, however much we want to help others, however much we wish to achieve for ourselves, and however much we have strong talents and abilities, good understanding and thinking, however much we have great strategies to achieve our goals, unless we can effectively

communicate the nature, content and product of our ideas, thoughts and feelings, our talents, unless we can gain the support of others, gain cooperation and get others on board with our feelings, desires, ideas and projects, and unless we can demonstrate how our approaches and strategies will work in practice, we run the significant risk of a lack of success in achieving our goals, and as a consequence, are likely to experience reduced success in enjoying better well-being and supporting the well-being of others.

Mastering communication means mastering the ability not only to persuade others of the rightness or efficacy of what we are doing or saying (in those cases when indeed what we are saying is right and correct), mastering notions of empathy and understanding, understanding people in depth, and having the ability to know and express our own feelings, but it also requires listening well to others, taking on board their concerns, feelings, interests and ideas, evaluating (though not necessarily in all cases), and certainly aiming to accurately interpret what others mean to say, literally and otherwise, both from our and their perspectives, perhaps even rejecting our own ideas and opinions, and setting aside our own feelings, where this is appropriate and accepting their world view or judgments. Moreover, in a world where many different languages are spoken and used, for those of us who interact or are likely to interact with those from other countries and cultures, interact perhaps with those who use sign language, our mastery of communication is likely to involve gaining some, if not optimally, expert knowledge and understanding of the languages of others, as well as their ways of being and cultures.

(6) Oppose conformity - Remember it takes all sorts.

The world is a diverse place comprising people of many different characters, characteristics, personalities and beliefs. Achieving our core goals of supporting our own well-being, happiness and fulfillment and the well-being, happiness and fulfillment of others, requires the contributions of many different people with many different perspectives, talents and characteristics. We need to recognize the talents, skills, perspectives and contributions, and also the differing needs and desires of the range of people, with their own varying backgrounds, behaviours, attitudes, preferences, their own humanity, individuality and beliefs compared to our own. Not everyone needs to be like us, nor would that be a good thing, however much we may have achieved, however successful we may be.

(7) Nurture and support the full range of positive human potentials.

As humans, we are diverse in our thinking, approaches and other personal characteristics. It is important we nurture, develop and appreciate our own range of talents, potentials and abilities and that we also nurture, support and appreciate the talents, potentials and abilities of others, supporting them to develop and grow. There are those of us with particular strengths in terms of artistic abilities, design abilities, mathematical abilities, strong communication abilities, literary and language skills, analytical and creative capacities, musical talents, athletic and sporting abilities, personal physical and emotional strength, and so forth and many of us possess a range of talents and skills. All of these skills and talents, and more, are valuable to us as individuals, valuable to others, to our communities and societies, as well as our broader humanity, and these skills, abilities and talents, consistent with core principles, need to be valued and recognized in our efforts to achieve well-being and happiness for ourselves and all others.

(8) Do your best to ensure that the past, your upbringing, others, family, community and society around you, don’t unnecessarily constrain you, keep you from the future you desire, keep you from your dreams, and thereby damage your well-being. Act as far as you can to determine your own future.

Out past and our upbringing are likely to influence us significantly, often or usually positively, though sometimes in such a manner that we feel constrained and restricted in what we can do. In an ongoing manner, our families, communities and societies are likely to influence us too, not only influencing us and also frequently supporting us, but sometimes imposing unnecessary, unwanted and superfluous constraints on us. We need to aim to surpass and overcome, as far as we can, those negative constraints we experience which might be placed on us by our upbringing and our past, as well as, where such occurs, aiming to overcome any destructive and damaging family, community and social influences which may damage us and hold us back from living lives full of well-being and happiness. Consistent with core principles, we need to aim to live the futures we desire and live our dreams, as far as we can. We must do all in our power to make our own futures as we would wish them to be and support others in achieving their desired futures, their dreams, these being consistent with core principles. To do this, we must take responsibility for our futures, as well as taking on responsibility for our communities, societies and the well-being of all those around us. We need to take responsibility for our own lives and our own futures, as far as this is reasonable and possible.

(9) Don’t let others victimize and oppress you and avoid as far as possible, seeing yourself as a victim.

It is essential to act, as far as we can, against those who would oppress or who do oppress us and would make us victims. We must protect ourselves as individuals and protect others, asserting our reasonable, personal wants and needs, and protecting the reasonable wants and needs of others. Through acting individually to protect ourselves and through acting with others against those who are acting in oppressive ways, we will be better able to reduce pain and suffering, protect others and support well-being. It is important to remember that those who act unfairly and unjustly against us as individuals and other groups, will likely be acting in the same manner against others, and therefore it is unlikely to be the case that, if we are suffering in pain from such oppression that we will be alone in our pain and suffering.

Yet oppression and victimization can be opaque forming part of systems and situations where those who are oppressed may see this oppression as normal. Those who wish release from such oppression or wish to express feelings and take action against this, must be supported and allowed to do so. Viewing ourselves as powerless victims is self-destructive and stands against well-being, though of course we may at some point or on occasion, be victims of people, incidents and actions which it is beyond our power to prevent or remedy.

(10) As far as possible be open in pursuit of goals, especially when operating in groups or teams. Wherever possible, avoid aiming to achieve goals in a covert, dishonest and manipulatory manner.

It is optimal in terms of outcomes and other consequences to let others know, where appropriate, what our goals are within our social groups and teams, and to have open, honest and frank discussions about those goals, their value and practicality. Acting in this manner promotes mutual understanding, cooperation, a sense of togetherness and common interest, and enables us all to contribute to solutions, with our having consequent feelings of being valued, appreciated and having been consulted. Whether or not goals are worthwhile, adopting covert, dishonest and manipulatory approaches diminishes all, disempowering us, reducing the quality of outcomes, and damaging well-being.

There are, however, sometimes circumstances where it is incumbent upon us to act quietly and covertly to support the well-being of ourselves and others, especially when working to counter the actions

of those individuals and groups and systems that act in cruel, inhuman, oppressive and malevolent ways, when we are countering those who would deliberately aim to damage us and others if we expressed ourselves and acted openly, or when countering those who themselves manipulate in a manner which will damage substantially well-being. This covert behaviour however, is not, on the other hand generally acceptable in contexts where there is a sense of human equality, justice, fairness cooperativity, attentiveness to others, openness and mutual respect, understanding and acceptance.

(11) Be robust in the face of disappointment and failure.

We need to be resilient and robust on those occasions when we are unable to achieve the goals we wish to achieve, that is, in response to failure. While sometimes hard to do, our not achieving goals is to some extent an element of all of our lives and must be anticipated and dealt with in a manner that enables us to maintain our well-being, self-respect and our self-belief. All of us may face challenges and fail to achieve goals in terms of our working lives in our relationships, in our actions in community, society and beyond. For example, perhaps all of us will face disappointment and pain, in many cases heartbreak, at some point during our search for and in our experience of love. Those in politics, business, industry, construction and engineering, management and administration, farming and agriculture, science, writers, those of us in all walks of life, are all likely to have successes but we will also have failures, sometimes substantial, which may create in us feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt or worse.

It is best if we see our failure to achieve such goals on occasion (or even more often) as being part of the expected territory of our lives and as valuable and necessary experiences on our routes to success or on our routes to a full life of well-being and happiness. And thus, as far as is possible, it is essential to be robust in the face of such failures, to acknowledge them and learn from them, and following, where necessary and where we need it (and we may not need it at all) time and resolution of consequent feelings, we need to aim to move on to the pleasure and experience of new challenges and the risks of success and failure which generally serve to motivate us, stimulate us and benefit us in terms of our well-being, and which will likely have significant benefits for the well-being of not just ourselves but also those around us. Our appropriate understanding of the role of errors, mistakes, failures and the like, should serve, in many cases, to reduce our pain and suffering when these inevitably, at least on occasions, form part of our lives.

(12) Take time to reflect, relax and rest.

It is essential to take time out, away from the bombardment of information that we can receive from so many different quarters, away from the multitude of complex and sometimes difficult experiences we may be having, away from the welter of activities which may fill our everyday lives, away from the challenges of relationships, in order to rest, relax, reflect and sometimes to do nothing. This helps us to recover from the stresses and strains of our lives, helps us to appreciate and enjoy simply being, helps us to cope with and perhaps resolve the welter of information encountered and experiences had. And through our pleasant and restful inaction, relaxation, through our doing of nothing much (at least nothing challenging), this can provide us with space to regain energy such that we are better able to enjoy our lives, enjoy ourselves on the moment, reflect on who we are, work out what

we really think and feel, how we are doing in our lives, the extent to which we feel we are achieving our well-being and fulfillment. Doing nothing of any particular purpose is most likely a necessity for us sometimes, so that we can have a full restful recovery from our hectic lives, Rest and relaxation, enabling our effective thoughts and reflection, help us to survive the fray, to better achieve our own well-being and happiness, enabling us, once appropriately rested, to re-establish, modify and recommit to our goals, and better pursue them as effectively as we can. Sufficient sleep and rest, for almost all of us, enhances our ability to think, makes us more healthy and supports more effective reflection about that which has passed and that which may arise in the future.

(13) Be patient, be prepared for and, where necessary plan for, the long haul.

Many of the things we wish to do in life can take significant time to achieve. Supporting ourselves and others, through conducting ourselves in ways which serve to improve well-being and reduce levels of suffering can be done in some cases through our actions which have more immediate effects. However, to achieve on a deeper or wider scale, pursuing more challenging goals, will often take time and may require us and others we cooperate with, to engage in more systematic and detailed planning. It is important to avoid frustration through our having unrealistic expectations that goals will be achieved in no time at all. Challenges such as being successful in a particular career, pursuing ambitious and transforming goals, creating and building complex structures, indeed, building lasting loves and friendships, and much more, are likely to require substantial time. Aiming to promote fairness and justice, and remove injustice, which may unfortunately prevail for a time, often being difficult to remove, is likely to require determination, patience and long-term commitment allied to concrete plans involving thoughtful action which recognises real barriers to progress and deals with political exigencies. Time will often be needed to achieve our reasonable goals.

We will also likely and frequently, need to be patient and understanding with other people, others who may well not do exactly as we wish or who may not act in accord with what we want on the moment, others who may disagree with us and do so, to our minds, for irrational reasons. We will need to be patient and understanding with others who might not be as we wish them to be, who may not act as hurriedly and skillfully as we would like them to do, or even have the competence we feel they should have, indeed ought to have. Our children, or others, may not learn as quickly as we feel they should, but in teaching and learning we must show great patience. And hopefully others will show us, in all areas of our lives, a similar level of patience and understanding when we do not conform to their wishes and expectations, and do the things they wish us to do. Further, if we wish others to change, if we wish our communities and societies, our broader humanity to change, then pursuing such goals is likely to take time, sometimes perhaps longer than our lifetimes, and is likely to require rational thought out strategies and substantial patience.

(14) Be kind not only through your actions but also through your words.

Kind actions and deeds, both small and large are of great importance. Our kind deeds of giving, not only of money and material things, but giving others time and attention are of great importance and valued by others. Beyond our kind deeds, our kind and supportive words can makes others much happier, help them feel cared for, wanted, ease their pain, make others feel noticed, wanted, and of importance, and so we should be careful to speak kindly and sympathetically to others if we can, even where we are under stress or where others are being rude and unkind to us. Our response to unkindness should where possible, reasonable and appropriate, comprise acts and words of kindness. The words we use and how we frame what we say are likely to have significant effects on the way others feel and act. While we are, and need to be largely responsible for our own individual feelings, it is likely,

for many of us inevitable, that what others say to us and about us will influence the way we feel, sometimes substantially. Understanding how unkind words affect us, we need to be careful in what we say to others, and this includes what we say to those who are hostile to us, with whom we need to be aiming to build positive relationships where this is possible and realistic.

It is also easy on occasions, even when trying to be kind, when we are trying to act with kindness and aiming to show care for others, that we unintentionally make errors in what we say and do; we accidentally misjudge our actions and what we say. And recognizing this, there is a need for us when listening and responding to the words and deeds of others, to avoid the over-sensitivity and over-reaction that can start and deepen conflict. While some may try to harm us deliberately, emotional harm is usually not intended, and we need to rule out deliberate unkindness, clarify and question with kindness where this can be done, and then draw relevant conclusions. Even where we conclude that another is trying to harm us, this does not mean we must give a hostile response, though robustness in the face of verbal assault can be a useful quality and an effective minimal response to physical attack, where that occurs, is often likely to be necessary. Cooperation on a reasonable basis needs to be built with all, and sincere, kind words support this cooperation. Wherever possible and reasonable, it is desirable for us to help others through kind, caring, supportive conduct and comments, and to make efforts to reduce tension and conflict, with our kindness to others, what we say and do, serving to support the well-being of ourselves and others, and reduce pain and suffering.

(15) Take care of your health, both physical and mental, and support the physical and mental health of others.

Absence of physical and mental fitness in itself represents pain and suffering. It damages our well-being and serves to damage our capacity to support others. Indeed, by definition, absence of or low levels of physical and mental health in themselves represent an absence, at least to some extent, and often to a significant extent, of well-being, such a state being contrary to the core principles set out in this guide. We therefore need to make maximum efforts to maintain our personal physical and mental health, for example through exercise, appropriate diet, safe health practices, through monitoring of our health and ensuring health checks when these are available and through educating ourselves about health. And further we need to act to support community and social support systems tied to physical and mental health which help us and others maintain and develop our physical and mental health. Moreover, our physical and mental health affects how we behave and conduct ourselves. Excessive stress, relationship difficulties, tiredness, on the moment, or persistent if not constant physical or emotional pain, can lead us to behave in destructive ways in which we would not normally behave, and which may be damaging to ourselves and others. And thus, we need to place substantial effort into supporting our physical and mental health.

(16) Always be prepared to learn and be prepared to teach.

Effective education, and learning is essential in support of our appropriate conduct, our well-being, happiness and fulfillment and the well-being, happiness and fulfillment of others. We need to ensure as far as we can, that there is effective education for ourselves, our children and all others. We need to engage in continuous life-long efforts to learn and grow, to develop our knowledge and understanding, our skills and abilities in order to live a life of well-being and happiness, and in order to avoid unnecessary pain and suffering. There is always more for us to understand, to know, to learn. We can learn through formal education and training where this is available, through our own personal experiences and through the experiences and learning of others, amongst other channels. In support of well-being and happiness, it is necessary for ourselves, our families, communities and societies to aim to provide educational opportunities so that all of us can thrive as individuals and so that community, society and our broader humanity can survive and thrive.

Learning is not simply about gaining knowledge and understandings from external sources, such learning being of great importance but learning is also, to an important extent about learning from our experiences through our resolution, reflection and thinking about the actions, happenings, interactions, events, we participate in and encounter in our lives. To support others and the process of learning and education, as we increase our learning and develop our abilities, it is important that we all, to some degree, become teachers and develop the skills to be teachers ourselves, becoming able at teaching and able to share the things we have learnt so that our children, our fellows, our communities and societies our broader humanity can benefit from the experiences, understandings and knowledge we ourselves have gained.

(17) Be prepared to give and receive help.

We all need help and support at some point in our lives. As individuals we cannot achieve all, indeed we cannot achieve much without the help and cooperation of others. We cannot know all that is to be known or have the skills to do all that can be done, nor can we solve all problems and meet all challenges ourselves as isolated individuals. It is likewise almost impossible, if not impossible, to achieve our goals, to develop our skills, abilities and understanding, to deal with all situations, to support our own well-being and the well-being of others, without the help and support of others. We frequently need the help of others to achieve our personal goals, to maintain and improve our own well-being, to help us in times of need. And others are similarly likely to need our help to support them in achieving their goals, and in supporting their well-being.

We should do our best to provide such help to others, where we have the capability and where we can support others without the real prospect of significant pain and suffering resulting, and indeed we should even provide such help and support on some occasions when we might suffer such pain and need to engage in significant self-sacrifice to support others. Whether through giving or receiving direct and immediate help involving advice and action, whether through accessing information, knowledge and skills from others through education and training, whether through enlisting the support of others to directly support our goals and our causes, we will need to receive the help of others. And, as social, cooperative beings, in line with and in support of core principles, our own well-being and the well-being of others, we need to give help where appropriate, to others as well as ourselves being open to accepting the help and support of others.

(18) Support democratic values, openness, personal autonomy and freedom.

In line with our need to support the well-being of others and reduce pain and suffering, through our actions and personal conduct we need to ensure that others can express their feelings, judgments, opinions, perceptions their views, ensuring that different voices are heard and that we are all able to contribute and express our own feelings and views as well as listen to the feelings and views of others in an open, honest, transparent and democratic manner. In our personal relationships, in our families, and elsewhere, we need to be inclusive of others in regard to our consideration of decisions and decision-making and as open as we feel we can be. And, in the range of contexts, we should expect openness and integrity from others, within the constraints of our desire to support well-being and happiness and not to cause unnecessary pain and suffering to others. It is further essential in support of our personal well-being that each of us is able to make important decisions that affect our lives. Democratic values, as referred to here, include the notion that each of us needs some, if not significant personal autonomy and personal freedom, including personal space, both physical and psychological. And thus, therefore, democratic values do not mean that majorities or their representatives in power, can do whatever they wish whenever they wish to do so, imposing unfair and unreasonable judgments and actions on us.

Beyond autonomy, our application of democratic values, openness and transparency in group or community decision-making allows us to contribute, allows us to feel valued, and a part of the whole, which is an important element of well-being, while denial of this and marginalization of ourselves and our voices undermines not only our individual sense of well-being but the quality and effectiveness of communities, societies and our broader humanity. Of course there are limitations on what we as individuals can decide to do and limits on what our democratic communities, societies and other organisations can do, since there are always others to consider, with the key notions of freedom and autonomy always needing to be considered. Harming others, causing them significant pain and suffering is not acceptable. Freedom to think, and act appropriately where actions do not to any major degree offer direct harm to the well-being of others is part of living a full and autonomous life in a democratic and free community, and contributes in a major way to a life of well-being. As individuals we must support inclusion, democratic decision-making, openness and transparency which, in themselves support well-being and happiness; we must act against pain and suffering and support ourselves and others in achieving such individual freedom and autonomy.

(19) Be as fearless as you can be – avoid being fearful if you can. Be bold in deciding what you wish to achieve and be bold in your efforts to achieve your goals.

We need to be bold in deciding what our goals are and in our efforts to achieve our goals, considering how we can be successful, and acting in pursuit of our goals without fear or significant anxiety, as far as we can, and where there is unavoidable stress, fear and anxiety, aiming to overcome effects of such stress, fear and anxiety to avoid their reducing our chances of success. In order to achieve our objectives, rather than being held back by such worries and fears, our goals being in line with core and other principles, being supportive of ourselves and others, when there are things that need to be done, we need to do these things.

We must ensure that our often irrational fears and worries, felt in many circumstances, do not interfere with our rational thinking and that they do not serve to paralyse us in regard to action, thereby preventing us from taking necessary and reasonable action. Many of our fears and worries (though certainly not all), felt in everyday circumstances, are often based in irrational thinking which highlights and exaggerates the consequences of our taking incorrect and wrong actions and exaggerates the potential negative responses of others to our actions. We may, for example, fear disdain, ridicule, dislike, hatred, rejection, ostracism and other forms of social disapproval, yet often our fears are not justified and in themselves can lead us to make errors, mistakes and misjudgments. Irrational fear of others, for example, can lead us to become unnecessarily aggressive, failing to cooperate well with others and even engaging in conflicts with other individuals or another group out of irrational fear which is not, in truth, justified (that of course is not to say that in some cases our fears may not in fact be justified). Additionally, fear in our everyday lives is almost always an unpleasant feeling in itself. Therefore, wherever we can, we need to ensure we are thinking rationally and need to do our utmost to avoid being irrationally fearful with its consequent detriment to our well-being and happiness, and its detriment to the well-being of others through its effects on our own conduct and action.

When faced with serious physical threats and substantial threats to our well-being, all of us will face some level of, and perhaps intense fear, and this probably, for the many of us, unavoidable, especially when the situation is shocking and unexpected. Our feelings of fear in such situations will hopefully motivate us to action and help us to defend ourselves from physical and other attacks with the vigour that could be necessary. In the vast majority of circumstances and situations, we need to be as fearless as is possible in addressing such challenges and the challenges we face.

(20) Be tolerant of those announcing and holding opinions and beliefs that may astound you or which you may find offensive, unless those beliefs promulgate a real and significant physical threat.

In general, the opinions and views of others need to be tolerated and listened to. Discussion and cooperation are the ways to find solutions and develop understanding, as opposed to carelessly ignoring and dismissing the perceptions and views of others or aiming to prevent others from voicing their beliefs. Listening to others with such different and other perceptions can be challenging, but where there is no significant threat to well-being and happiness, for example through threats of violence, this challenge needs to be taken on. Our toleration and attentiveness, enables the promotion of well-being and happiness through promoting and enabling acceptance of ourselves and other selves, and enabling that discussion and debate which serves us all and can help to take our thinking and action forwards. Many views and opinions can be painted as offering significant threat yet many different views in reality do not offer such a threat and need to be expressed and attended to. It is only stating and promulgating views which encourage aggressive violence against others, that promote hatred, and the action resulting from that hatred, views which promote violent action and which encourage unfair and painful discrimination against individuals and specific groups, frequently based in misunderstanding, lies and falsehoods; it is only these views which are unacceptable in expression (and of course enaction), especially when our goal is to promote well-being and reduce pain and suffering. Failure to tolerate where toleration is justified damages us all.

(21) You can follow the law; you can follow instructions. You can do as you’re told or asked. But never obey.

Obeying is about accepting yourself as a second-class, subordinate citizen of less value and worth than the person or authority demanding your obedience. Obeying is about being dictated to and if accepted by us as legitimate, involves us not accepting personal responsibility. There is no merit in obedience. It damages individual and social well-being. Moreover, there is, all things being equal, in the main, no reduction in our culpability for destructive and harmful actions we implement on the grounds of having received orders or instructions from another, although if our lives and the lives of others are threatened, or violence is threatened if we do not comply, then we are certainly in a difficult position. We must, under such circumstances, do our utmost to support well-being and reduce pain and suffering and act against those giving such orders and commands. It is ourselves as individuals who have responsibility for our actions.

When authority has legitimacy in terms of representation, justice, fairness, decency, then it is reasonable and indeed incumbent upon us to go along with, for example laws which make demands on us, or even go along with laws which we may believe are incorrect or wrong, recognizing that we are one amongst many, as long as these laws are consistent with core principles. As members of cooperative communities and societies, we must be prepared to give up some of our individual benefits and freedoms of action and accede to ways of conducting ourselves and accede to law that supports our own well-being, the well-being of others, and that reduces pain and suffering for all. Nevertheless, responsibility for our actions still resides with us as individuals.

(22) Look to the future: Avoid bitterness and harsh regret.

Things may have gone wrong in the past, events may not have panned out as we wish they had, may have been painful, heartbreaking, horrible and unpleasant, and others, for example, may not have acted well towards us. Yet we need to look to the future rather than spending too much time thinking bitter and angry thoughts about those past events and expressing to ourselves and out loud, our thinking and regrets about the past. Those events are gone. That is not to say they are forgotten or that we will not feel pain because of these events, or that we will not take action, using the evidence of such past events, to make for a better present and future for ourselves and others, which of course represent worthwhile and desirable goals. But bitterness and harsh regret are forms of personal pain and suffering, and our experiencing of significant pain and suffering is not consistent with core principles and we need to do what we can to escape such thoughts and feelings. We need to focus on the future, and the future of others, caring for ourselves and others and aiming to support our own well-being and the well-being of others into the future. And through focusing on such goals, through focusing on new avenues, new actions into the future, we will help to set aside such harsh bitterness and regret and help to relieve our pain and suffering.

(23) Feel free to be determined and stubborn at times.

There is a high probability that during our lives we will need to be stubborn and determined in pursuit of some or many of our goals. We will often meet different forms of opposition to our desires and wants, or find unexpected obstacles in our way. We will need determination and stubbornness to overcome these. That is not to say that we should never change direction, give in or change our minds. There are certainly times when we should reset our objectives, or accept defeat, especially since our relentlessly pursuing burdensome but perhaps unimportant, futile or unachievable goals, is not likely to be an optimal way to support our well-being and happiness and an optimal way to spend the limited time we have in our lives. However, determination and persistence in many instances are important and necessary in support of our goals and in support of our well-being and the well-being of others.

In terms of thinking, beliefs and consequent actions, optimally, while all the beliefs and opinions we hold and the consequent actions we take should be based in full and complete rationality and evidence, in reality, not all actions and thoughts we encounter in our communities and societies, or indeed the actions that we perform and the beliefs we hold ourselves can always be informed by complete and full and evidence. Our decisions and thinking can involve complex balances of multiple factors and may need to be applied in very individual, unique and novel situations, taking into account the range of people who may be involved. Moreover, evidence may not be currently available, but we may anticipate it appearing in the future. Thus, when we do not have full evidence available and situations may be complex, we may need to, to some degree, make judgments based on what we know and understand at that moment and be dogged and determined in pursuing our judgments and consequent actions.

Moreover, many commonly held beliefs are not based on pure considerations of reason, rationality, logic and evidence. Other factors beyond logic, reason, evidence and rationality may determine prevalent beliefs and actions in our families, communities and societies including social and cultural assumptions, history and heritage, political goals and social conformity. In some cases there may be substantial social pressures lined up against us, lined up against rationality, reason and logic, which aim to pressure us to adopt the common and conformist stance or behaviour even where the evidence for the value of that stance and behaviour is severely lacking. Indeed there may be punishments if we refuse to adopt such prevalent views and actions. Under such circumstances, despite possible, if not likely sanctions against us, under such circumstances, where it is reasonable, possible and safe, we need to be stubborn and reject those prevalent views and behaviours which may well be oppressive, and which are unsupported by reason and evidence.

It is legitimate, where we judge it necessary and reasonable, that we may also take risks with our safety in pursuit of both the principles of rationality, reason, truth and evidence, but in regard to specific and individual cases, challenges and issues, where truth, veracity and justice are not being given the priority and the lead role they deserve. Our determination and stubbornness in such cases recognizes not only our burning need as individuals, communities and societies, and beyond, for truth and accuracy but also recognizes that such truth will most likely in the longer run benefit us all.

Yet in addition to such prevalent social and community beliefs and actions, sometimes we may be faced with what is apparently overwhelming evidence for a truth, yet we retain a hunch, a sense or intuition, a belief, that in some manner the evidence is flawed, that there might be alternative causes or explanations for what is observed, interpreted and believed. In such cases we may choose to be stubborn and, at least theoretically, in our thoughts, stick to our current beliefs, investigating further and developing our thinking about the matter in hand and awaiting evidence which will support our view. The general expectation of the arrival of new thinking and evidence is in itself a rational belief. Our stubbornness and determination in such circumstances needs to openly acknowledge the grounds for our stance, acknowledging the credible evidence against our less or unsupported view and we should not anticipate or perhaps even argue for decisions to be made reflecting our unsupported view, since we have at the moment, insufficient reason and evidence against our less or unsupported view. Indeed, in practice where decisions are required, we should support the rational and logical view which is supported by evidence.

Nevertheless, in the long run, it may be that the unpopular view, unsupported on the moment by sufficient evidence may still be right correct due to the accumulation of new evidence and indeed paradigm shifts that alter interpretations of the already existing evidence. In these and other cases, there may be good reason for us sometimes to be somewhat stubborn and refusing to conform or change what may be, our skeptical and doubting, on the moment, insufficiently evidenced stance. So a sense of determination and apparent stubbornness for this and many other reasons may be justifiable on occasion. Nevertheless it is crucial that we should listen to and, even when we are not fully convinced, and that we should accept in terms of practical applications, the conclusions to which evidence, rationality and reason point.

(24) Have realistic expectations.

Realistic expectations about ourselves, others and the world we live in enable us to make more accurate decisions about our actions and our conduct, decisions which support our personal well-being and the well-being of others. Having realistic expectations allows us to deal with our lives more effectively on a day-to-day basis and reduces anxiety, worry, frustration and conflict that may arise when our possibly, unrealistic expectations are not met. For example, in regard to children, in reality and in practice, the common behaviour of children should be expected from children, not the behaviour of adults. Achieving certain goals takes time and unrealistically expecting immediate achievement, which then does not occur, can be a source of unnecessary pain and frustration potentially leading to anger, upset, poor conduct, conflict and even violence. Those who move from one culture to another will realistically take some time to understand the new culture and adapt (and change of culture can occur when changing jobs, moving home to a new place, and in many other contexts). Moreover, setting demanding goals that are not viable or setting goals which are too low and undemanding can both be damaging to well-being, though striving for the best and to the best we can be, is certainly acceptable as long as it does not lead us to significantly damaging emotional pain and suffering.

(25) Attempt to see the world from the perspectives of others.

Understanding the world from the perspectives of others aids our ability to think and act appropriately and promotes our own and the general well-being. We each of us think at least somewhat differently from others as individuals and our thinking and action will be influenced by our upbringing, family, social, educational, contextual, cultural and other factors. Not only this, but it is important to see that others may have their reasons and, indeed, their reasons may be correct being reasons from which we can learn. It may also be that another’s reasoning may be correct given their background and perspective though perhaps may not represent a route to or represent in itself the best course of action overall or the best choice for ourselves in particular. Attempting to deal with others without accepting the individuality and value of others and their ideas, their own sense of self-value and need for self-esteem, without understanding the depth and impact of such individual differences, can cause us problems in our lives, damaging our well-being and the well-being of others, catalyzing and enhancing difficulties in our relationships and leading to conflict. We need therefore to understand such different perspectives and take them into account in our thinking and in determining our personal conduct and actions.

(26) Give love and care.

In our actions and attitudes towards others we need to be loving and caring of others, considering the well-being and happiness of others, and taking action to support this well-being and happiness. Love should not be suffocating, oppressive and constraining. Love is something that needs to support others, needs to help others find and achieve their goals and dreams. It needs to be something that makes others feel loved, cared for and wanted. Unfortunately, while it would be pleasant, we cannot always expect others to give us the love back that we may feel we have earned and deserve. And this can be frustrating and emotionally extremely painful. Ideally, optimally and also hopefully, each of us will receive substantial love throughout our lives or at least at some point or points in our lives, and we will feel valued and wanted, and have a sense of belonging. For most, this will happen. But sometimes in our lives, despite our being loving and giving, love may not work like that, and being giving, loving and supportive does not necessarily win us love, appreciation or even acknowledgement. We need to be aware that others may feel unloved and unwanted, and do what we can, as far as we can, and as far as is reasonable, to support those who may be suffering significant pain in isolation and loneliness, feeling that sense of being of little value and unimportance to others, ignored and unloved. As social beings who need others, such feelings can be very painful. Supporting others and their well-being, giving such love, is part of our human character and identity, as is our deep sense of commitment, dedication and love of others. Giving love is an integral part of our well-being, happiness and fulfillment as is our need to receive love. Hopefully we will all give such love and care and will be receiving substantial love and care ourselves, thereby providing us with a deep sense of well-being and happiness.